Sick.

Sometimes (well all of the time) I wish things weren't like this. I am so afraid I am going to die before they stop the games and we are reunited. For the most part I've been doing better but I still have some pretty bad liver and kidney issues. Every time I am in the hospital I get terrified of dying and never seeing you guys again. 

It's so sad that things have to be this way, no mother should have to live with that fear. I worry everyday also that something is going to happen to one of the two of you, I just don't know what I'd do if that did happen. 

God teaches you to always forgive people no matter what they have done to you and I have. I may hold anger but that's only because I miss you guys. I completely forgive everyone that takes part in holding you guys from me... That's the only true way to move on. Everyday I pray for your Dad to find peace within himself so that he can be a better parent to you guys and do what it's right.

I always tell other people if a parent is willing to step up you should let them and not make muslitple excuses out of selfishness to prevent it. You guys deserve the world and not the hand that has been dealt to you... One day my angels no one will be able to stand in the way of our relationships and we will be able to rebuild all of the damage done by sick people. 

I hope you guys are doing awesome in school, your brothers and sisters are all off to a good start. One day you guys will be able to be true brothers and sisters and I can't wait, everyone is so excited about seeing you guys again! 

Anyways, I must close out this post... I have a visit with the doctor in the morning to check out my pancreas because it's acting up. I love you Ethan and Kailtyn Jolly!